There are days we feel like Tigger and days we might say, “Oh bother!”, as Pooh occasionally does. We are the same person with different emotions. That makes, sense, right?
In our families, we have different people each with different emotions, too. And sometimes conflict occurs when someone having a “bouncing, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun” day interacts with a family member who is in the midst of an “Oh bother!” discouragement. Tigger could think Pooh is an old stick in the mud and try, enthusiastically to cheer Pooh up. But Pooh is currently stuck in Rabbit’s hole, unable to eat, and really — all he wants is to be free. And he even has Rabbit making a mantle display on his back end because Rabbit would rather look at something pretty. Really, Tigger, I’m NOT in the mood!
Pooh longs to be free from this trial and here comes Tigger bouncing energetically in all his freedom. Pooh might think that Tigger is just over the top. Showing off all his freedom to move and even poking fun at poor Pooh because Pooh Bear cannot move. (Which, of course, is NOT what Tigger is thinking at all, is it?) Can’t you just go away and leave me to my misery? Yet, if you go away, I’ll have no one to talk to. Can’t you just stay and be quiet and calm. But if you do, I’ll know you are simply doing it to placate me, because you are a Tigger and Tiggers bounce.
So, in our imaginary illustration here, we can see how Tigger can become frustrated with Pooh and visa versa.
We see this in our families. Conflict when the one who is bubbly and full of energy becomes frustrated with the one who is struggling. Maybe it is siblings. One child excels in math and the other struggles to figure out the concepts or simply remember the facts. The children don’t see eye to eye when math (or reading, or writing, or science…) are being discussed. The mathematician, who loves math, is hurt that his or her sibling detests it. You detest the thing I love? Conflict.
But did you know we see this in the church, too?
Conflict can occur when the thing we love appears to be detested by someone else — maybe it is music styles, a special ministry, political viewpoint, even a particular food. Or, when one person is grieving the loss of someone dear and, another isle over, is someone celebrating a birth of a sweet infant. How can they be so happy when I am so sad? Or, someone praises the Lord that a job was just offered and someone else has been looking for a job for months longer and still without one.
This is conflict waiting to happen.
How do we avoid conflict? How can Tigger and Pooh live peaceably together in the same woods? or family? or church?
The Reason for Conflict
What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.
James 4:1-3
The Bible explains that, in a nutshell, conflict arises because of selfish desires that we don’t feel are being met — and so we want to do something about it.
- Maybe we sweetly manipulate the situation. Oh, I’m so disappointed you won’t be able to make it to the event. We were really looking forward to seeing you again. Is there any way you can reconsider?
- Dropping hints. Perhaps we write or draw or sing about it. Kids do this well, but we adults can, too. If you have been married, do you remember back to your dating days when you would write your potential “Mrs. John Doe” over and over? You know, just to practice.
- It could be that we have an outburst of rage. How could you forget to load the dishwasher this morning when I clearly asked you to!!!
- Or the silent treatment.
Yet, the bottom line is that we want our way.
My friends, it is not wrong to dream and have desires.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.Psalm 37:4
However, those desires can become idols very quickly.
But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. 15 Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.
James 1:14-15
A desire becomes an idol when you are willing to sin when you do not get that desire and believe you ought to have it or you are willing to sin when you believe you got something you ought not to have.
When your desire is growing in the soil of worldly wisdom (see James 3:13-18), it will lead ultimately to death. When your desire is growing in the soil of heavenly wisdom, it will either help you delight in the Lord or you will be willing to set that desire aside.
The Resolve of Conflict
Sadly, on this side of heaven, we cannot avoid conflict. Why? Because you and I are sinners. We are selfish. That is part of the flesh that we live in. We can try to control it, and live like Jesus. But the reality is there will be times when we slip up. And there are times our neighbors will slip up. We all sin.
- When we realize that there is selfishness in our hearts, then we can repent. We can ask for grace from our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who freely offers forgiveness. We can then ask for forgiveness from the one we sinned against (James 4:6-10; Ephesians 2:4-9, Matthew 18:21-34).
- When a brother or sister sins against us, we are called to love them anyway and to forgive as Jesus forgave us (Philippians 2:5-11; Matthew 18:21-34).
- We may need to seek outside help as Euodia and Syntyche had to do (Philippians 4:2-3).
- But, ultimately, if quarrels arise because of my (or my neighbor’s) selfishness, then my job is to humble myself before the Lord.
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped….
Philippians 2:3-6
Practically, that means:
- We need to guard our words.
- We must be patient.
- We need to guard our words (yes, I said it again — because the Bible does over and over and over and over again).
Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. 12 There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?
James 4:11-12
You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand. 9 Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door.
James 5:8-9
So when our emotions run the gamut from excited Tigger to frustrated Pooh Bear (and beyond) and we cross paths with another person whom we do not see eye to eye with, what do we do? Do we stand back, sigh, and say, “Oh bother! Conflict is ineveitable”?
No!
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. 21 Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.
James 1:19-21
Instead, we ask the Lord to help us put on patient, respectful, kind humility. To put others above ourselves. Because selfishness produces quarrels; humility produces peace.
What other verses can you think of that speak of humility and peacemaking?
Bouquet of Blessings 
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